PART 2 – EXPLORE THE CHARACTERS
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Chapter 8 - Naomi and Ruth - a study in grief
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We digress from the story of Joseph and his brothers to consider another example of how we can learn by empathising with the characters in the Biblical stories.
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The story of Naomi and Ruth is generally considered to be one of the most beautiful and best constructed stories in the Bible. But there is one aspect of the story that you probably won’t find discussed in any Biblical commentary.
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​A few years I was attending a conference in Member Care, learning how to provide emotional and spiritual support for overseas workers coping with various kinds of trauma and stress. One particular subject that was covered in the conference was the “grief cycle”, dealing with the various stages typically experienced by someone who has suffered from major grief or trauma.
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​​The main stages outlined in our Member Care conference were as follows:​
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Initial impact – Shock, numbness, denial
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Wrestling with the reality of pain – Anger, fear/panic, disorientation
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Directly facing the pain – Guilt, isolation, depression (this is often the longest stage in the process)
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New Life – New relationships, new purpose, hope for the future, helping others
As it happened, I had recently been studying the story of Naomi and Ruth, and it struck me how much this grief cycle reflected Naomi’s response to the loss of her husband and sons. Let’s look at the story from the book of Ruth, and see how we can match up Naomi’s emotional response with what we see in our modern-day understanding of the psychology of grief.
​Naomi – coping with grief
​First, let’s just ensure that we understand the full nature of Naomi’s loss.
​Elimelech took his family to live for a while in the land of Moab, in order to escape from the famine in their homeland, the land of Judah. But while they were there Elimelech died, and Naomi was left with her two sons, Mahlon and Kilion. Her sons both married Moabite women. One was called Orpah, and the other was called Ruth. But about ten years later, both Mahlon and Kilion died. This left Naomi completely alone, with no husband, and no prospect of having more sons. (Ruth 1:3-5)
​The death of her husband Elimelech, and two sons Mahlon and Kilion was certainly traumatic by any standards, but even more so than it would be in our modern society. The key word here is the word “alone”. Naomi was left completely alone and without any support in her community… no inheritance (Elimelech’s property would go to his male relatives), no support network to provide for her, no children or grandchildren to look after her in old age. She would be utterly destitute and (to all appearances) without any prospect of redeeming the situation.
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​When we first encounter Naomi in chapter 1, what do we learn about her emotional state?
​Naomi told the women of Bethlehem,
“Don’t call me Naomi, call me Mara (bitter), because el-Shaddai, the Almighty, has made my life very bitter. I went away full, with a husband and sons to provide for me everything I might need, but the LORD has brought me home empty. Why call me Naomi when the LORD, the Almighty One, has caused me to suffer such tragedy?” (Ruth 1:20-21)
​We can tell a lot from this brief but intense outburst from Naomi, she is clearly…
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Overwhelmed by the tragic circumstances she finds herself in.
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Empty, drained of any purpose or hope for the future.
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Bitter and resentful.
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Angry with God for allowing such a tragedy to happen.
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These are all such typical early responses to grief and loss, with initial emptiness and despair giving way to bitterness and anger against others and often against God, who is seen as the ultimate cause. But this extract from Naomi’s speech comes in the midst of her attempt to persuade Ruth and Orpah to leave her and return to their own home and family.
“What point is there in you coming along with me? At my age I will never have any other sons who could grow up to be your husbands. No, my daughters, go back to your families. I am too old to marry again, and even if it were possible, even if I could get married tonight and have sons, then what?” (Ruth 1:11-12)
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​Naomi is showing another equally common response to grief, a desire to be left to suffer alone and bear her grief in isolation and solitude. Orpah gave in to her mother-in-law’s request and kisses her goodbye, but Ruth refuses to return home and insists on staying with Naomi:
​“Don’t ask me to leave you and go back to my family. I swear to you, wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. Wherever you die, I will also die, and I will be buried alongside you. May the LORD punish me severely if I don’t keep my promise. Noting but death can separate us!” (Ruth 1:16-17)
​So Ruth continues on with Naomi towards Bethlehem, and will provide a key contribution towards Naomi’s recovery, as we shall see. But let’s continue to follow Naomi’s grief cycle. At the beginning of chapter 2, Ruth takes the initiative in going out to the harvest fields to glean:
​One day Ruth said to Naomi, “Let me go out to the fields which are being harvested, to pick up the stalks of grain left behind – provided anyone is kind enough to let me.”
Naomi replied, “All right, my daughter, go ahead.” (Ruth 2:2)
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​It’s significant that Ruth here is the one doing the forward-thinking and taking responsibility for their welfare. Naomi seems now to be in the third stage of the grief cycle, coping with loneliness and depression, not looking forward or seeking to take any initiative either for herself or for Ruth. ​But by the beginning of chapter 2 Naomi’s attitude has changed:
​One day Naomi said to Ruth, “My daughter, I have been making plans to find a permanent home for you, and to provide for your future. Boaz our kinsman been very kind in letting you gather grain with his young women. Tonight he will be winnowing barley at the threshing floor. I want you to do as I tell you. Take a bath. Put on some sweet-smelling perfume and dress in your best clothes. Then go along to the threshing floor. But don’t let Boaz see you until he has finished eating and drinking. Note carefully where he lies down to sleep; then go and gently lift the blanket and lie down beside him. He will tell you what to do.”​
Ruth answered, “I will do everything you tell me to.” (Ruth 3:1-5)
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​Now it’s Naomi who is taking the initiative, thinking forward to Ruth’s future welfare, and hatching a plan to find Ruth a husband. This is a new Naomi, no longer wallowing in her bitterness and isolation, but showing a sense of hope for the future, and a caring and responsible attitude towards Ruth, her daughter-in-law. Ruth follows Naomi’s advice, and as a result becomes the wife of Boaz, and the mother of Naomi’s grand-son:
​Then the women of the town said to Naomi, “Praise the LORD, who provided a kinsman redeemer to save you from your tragic situation! May this child who is born into your family be famous in Israel. May he give you new purpose in life and care for you in your old age. For he is the son of your daughter-in-law who loves you and has been better to you than seven sons!”
So Naomi took the baby in her arms. And she cared for him and brought him up as if he were her own. (Ruth 4:14-16)
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​So Naomi has progressed through to the final stage of the cycle; a new life, new purpose, a new hope for the future, by God’s grace helping to nourish and bring up a child who will become the ancestor of King David.
​Ruth – the perfect carer and comforter​
Very briefly, it should also be noted that Ruth behaved in every way as the perfect comforter to help Naomi through her grief experience. Walter Wangerin, in Mourning into Dancing (Zondervan, 1992), lists the following (among others) as ideal qualities for someone caring for a loved one coping with grief and loss:
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Know the grief process but know the griever even more.
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Make peace with your own death and with death itself.
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Do not expect gratitude, meek obedience, rational behavior, or thanks – expect nothing for yourself.
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You are not expected to fix the mortal break but to companion the broken.
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Your presence is more important than any solution you might propose – stay with them, abide.
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Ruth could not have matched these qualities any better. She committed herself absolutely to stay with Naomi, expecting nothing in return… not pushing her to “snap out of it”, not offering solutions, just abiding with her and letting her grief take its course.
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​Of course there is a much bigger, spiritual message to the story of Naomi and Ruth. It is not written as case study in grief. But the grief cycle is there so loud and clear simply because the story is so true to real life. Naomi’s grief is everyone’s grief, and anyone who has gone through a time of trauma and loss can empathize with her feelings of bitterness, anger and depression, and rejoice at God’s grace lifting her up and giving her new purpose and hope.
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​But this analysis also emphasizes for me the sacrificial nature of Ruth’s commitment, because when Ruth made her famous, “Where you go, I go” speech, Naomi was at the very bottom of the grief cycle – bitter, angry, full of resentment and self-pity, and surely not a very nice person to be around. Yet at this very point Ruth gives up everything she has to stay with Naomi and see things through to the end.
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And that is a wonderful example of the sacrifice that God in Christ made for us, that while we were at our lowest, dead in trespasses and sins, Christ gave himself for us!
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Some questions for thought or discussion
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The relationship between Naomi and Ruth was clearly very special. Can you identify any similar relationship that you know of personally that shows such dedication and commitment?
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Do you empathise most with Naomi, or with Ruth? Why?
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Can Ruth’s example inspire you to help care for someone who is finding life difficult to bear?
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We noted that Ruth’s promise to stay with Naomi was made at the lowest point of Naomi’s troubles. How might this story challenge our attitude towards those who are at a low point in their lives, hurting or rejected by the community? For the poor, homeless, refugees…
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